Being a college student, I eat a lot of unhealthy food: burgers, tacos, drumsticks. I’ll eat it all. But there are some things that go beyond my stomach and touch on my values. Deep-fried Twinkies feed my soul a mouthful of depression. Yes, readers, the deep-fried Twinkie is the epitome of what America has become, and it makes me sick (and somehow slightly hungry).
Every part of this deadly treat just screams American ideal. It’s convenient in every possible way. The cockroach of all foods, the Twinkie will never go bad. Even if you are near vomiting from the amount of food you ate or too lazy to go pick up this artificial cake, you can wait as long as you want to eat it.
Of course, sugar just wasn’t sweet enough. So why not make an artificial cream filling that will put a smile on any obese child’s face. Tearing through tooth enamel, the deliciousness wears away at the humility and gratitude of a nation as well and makes privileged lifestyle the norm.
So, since we have a piece of food that is perfectly edible right out of the package, it would make perfect sense to waste resources by cooking it anyways. And since the most precious thing to Americans is their time, we had better cook it fast. So the cake is thrown into boiling grease, which has already been used to cook fries, pickles and Oreos. You name it.
Go ahead and gobble down your fried sweets, Fatty-Fatty, Dumb-Dumb. Fry your iPod while you’re at it.