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Apps used for sex, not dating

The Gay Agenda: Life and times of a modern gay man.

J.R. Hensley

J.R. Hensley

J.R. Hensley

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If there is one thing gay men have done, it is find a way to streamline their pursuit of sex. Hook-up apps like Grindr and Scruff make it easier to find a person for a momentary tryst. They’re “good” at doing that, but that’s where the benefits cease to exist.

Ultimately what these apps have done is turn our community into a bunch of jerks who lack basic kindness. Hook-up apps are soul crushing. If a gay man ever wants to feel less than or inadequate, or like some hideous beast from the dark side of the moon, just login to one of these atrocities and try and make a connection.

Most of the people are there for a single thing, and they have a laundry list of items you must meet in regards to your looks before they will even give someone the time of day. There are those, though, that claim that they are there to make friends or find a connection and meet the one, but that is bull.

Do not let any gay man tell you that Grindr and Scruff are for anything more than sex. When the first thing the apps ask you in the development of a profile is your sexual interests and to list the attributes the user finds attractive, the illusion that they are for more than anything other than a hook-up is already dead. The amount of lying a person has to tell themselves must be exhausting.

I imagine these apps are all about how one uses them. There may be that one person out there that wants to just make friends but if he is the only one out of a sea of people all wanting a hookup then the person will either become disenchanted and fall in line or give up altogether. I am glad I came from a tie when it was just chat rooms.

I met my husband by accident when he messaged me thinking I was a friend of his, just because this friend and I happened to have similar user names. At that time, people had to strike up some semblance of interest or conversation without having a photo to the name. It was kinder. While I am lucky to have already met the man of my dreams, I cannot help but wonder, because of these apps, how do people actually meet someone to date? If the first thing is all about sex, then why even bother getting to know anyone?

In the past, gay men used to congregate at gay bars or events and mingle with their fellows. It was there that they would find someone to call “friend” or “lover.” In faceto-face interactions, people tend to also have social decorum on how to conduct themselves if they were interested or not, but behind a profile people can be cruel.

Not only have these apps killed kindness and relationships they have killed off gay bars. In a number of articles, I have read about long time gay haunts closing their doors due to low attendance. The writers have likened it to the birth of hook-up culture and because of general social acceptance. I tend to think it is the former. Maybe because I have a general distaste for them or because it is fact. Either way, these apps have taken the soul out of the idea of connecting emotionally and sexually.

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Apps used for sex, not dating