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TWO GUYS … AT THE MOVIESOf men and movies

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Editor’s note: Rip staffers Daniel F. Hunt and Todd E. Swenson speak candidly about “Shallow Hal,” a new movie in theaters. The commentary reflects how many young men talk about sex, women and movies. This article contains profanity and adult content.

Daniel Hunt: “Do you consider this movie a dramedy?”

Todd Swenson: “I consider it more of a comedra.”

Daniel: “I do as well, simply because, yes, it was funny. There were also some points where I felt the emotion, the sadness, the heartbreak, the love. Nobody likes to see a girl with a few extra pounds get hurt.”

Todd: “Of course not, because it’s un-P.C.”

Daniel: “The movie touched me because I try to look at people from the inside. The outside doesn’t mean a whole lot”

Todd: “Bullshit.”

Daniel: “I think that it speaks volumes about how society is.”

Todd: “I would agree, but after seeing this movie, I still wouldn’t go out with a big chick.”

Daniel: “I don’t know, what would you call fat?”

Todd: “I don’t know about 300 pounds is obese.”

Daniel: “100 pounds (overweight)?”

Todd: “A bit chubby, wait, 50 pounds over I can deal with. It’s based on a height-weight thing. It seems screwy to me. I’m 6’1″ and 30 pounds underweight.”

Daniel: “I think the whole overweight thing is overrated. I’m overweight. I look nice. Just a bit husky.”

Todd: “But you’re not overweight. (laughs)”

Daniel: “I like a few pounds on a girl, something to hold on to. You can’t have these skinny chicks. My friend’s weight, I guess, is less than 100 pounds and there’s nothing to hold on to. I’m afraid that if her and I hooked up. I’d break her in two. I gotta grab something, hold on to something.”

On Mauricio, Hal’s friend in the movie, played by Jason Alexander …

Daniel: “Here’s the thing I hated about the movie. Why don’t we just change Jason Alexander’s name to George Costanza? He plays himself in every (expletive) movie.”

Todd: “I know. That tail thing.”

Daniel: “Oh, shit.”

Todd: “As the audience laughed, I was thinking, ‘talk about deformity.’ Here this guy is saying, ‘Oh, she’s too ugly’ or ‘Her middle toe is one inch too long’ or ‘She’s fat.’ Now that’s shallow.”

Daniel: “But if you’re insecure about yourself, of course you’re going to look for that perfect person.”

Todd: “This is true. I did like the end though, when his tail wagged.”

Daniel: “It looked like they put his, you know, on the back side.”

Todd: “That’s just unnatural.”

Daniel: “It’s just a nub.”

On actor Jack Black, who played Hal …

Daniel: “Jack Black is not a half-bad looking guy.”

Todd: “He is, he’s a little bit pudgy. But I think it adds to his character.”

Daniel: “He’s a little heavyset.”

Todd: “He’s a great comedian.”

Daniel: “He’s got the uni-brow thing going, which was mentioned in the movie. I wonder if Jack Black gets action.”

Todd: “Jack Black was being interviewed and he told the interviewer that he thought Gwyneth Paltrow was hot.”

Todd: “Me personally, I don’t think she’s all that.”

Daniel: “I think she’s hot. She put on a few pounds for the movie.”

Todd: “I don’t really like her face. She’s got the whole powdy thing going on.”

Daniel: “She’s really pale.”

Todd: “Oh my God, she’s white. Pale is not the word.”

Daniel: “She’s pale.”

Todd: “The blonde hair, that makes her look pale.”

Daniel: “If she had hair that was dark, she’d look like goth. Like she had on Ronald McDonald’s make up. I’d do her nonetheless.”

Todd: “I don’t think I would. But the neighbor, Jill. Damn she’s hot.”

Daniel: “Yeah, I’d let her call me her bitch. If I was entranced into believing an ugly chick looked like Gwyneth Paltrow, I wouldn’t care. I wouldn’t care what anyone said.”

Todd: “Have you hooked up with a big chick before?”

(long pause)

Daniel: “You know, overweight people get a bad rap in movies. Look at Fat Bastard from Austin Powers. You know, they’re not all that bad of people. They are usually better than skinny people. Skinny chicks are mean and rude.”

Todd: “Chris Farley, there’s an overweight man who brought a whole new level to physical comedy.”

Daniel: “And chicks wanted him. Don’t you think it’s easier for an overweight guy to get laid than it is for a girl?”

Todd: “I think there’s some serious differences there. The overweight girls don’t seem to have … the same attraction rate as male. For fat guys, everyone knows their package is bigger.”

Daniel: “I wouldn’t know.”

Daniel: “I think Hal being shallow is like the basis of the movie.”

Todd: “You think?”

Daniel: “I mean people need to get over their vanity. Like when Hal was hooking up with those three ugly chicks.”

Todd: “Yeah, they were dancing in the club.”

Daniel: “Whoever cast that movie … damn they did a good job picking hot chicks. But I don’t think this movie was as funny as past Farrelly brothers’ movies. Like ‘Something about Mary’ and ‘My, Myself and Irene.’ I mean ‘Something about Mary,’ people set standards to that movie. But I thought the movie was slow in part.”

Todd: “It dragged on a little bit.”

Daniel: “And I didn’t the fact that they wrote in … what was her name?”

Todd: “Gwyneth’s character? That was … that was … shit, what was her name?”

Daniel: There was Hal played by Jack Black. There was Mauricio played by George Costanza. And Gwyneth. … damn it, I knew I should have paid attention.”

(pause)

Daniel: “Rosemary!”

Todd: “Rosemary. That’s right.”

Daniel: “Rosemary Shanahan. I didn’t like the fact that her dad was Hal’s boss. That’s just too much plot. But the I thought the intensity of the movie sucked.”

Todd: “Did you go to Edwards or Pacific?”

Daniel: “Edwards.”

Todd: “See there’s your problem.”

Daniel: “I know, a bunch of uppity (expletive).”

Todd: “You go to Pacific, you find people of all kinds: black, white, Mexican, fat, skinny. They find anything hilarious. Like one part where the guy with the deformities that walked on his hands?”

Daniel: “Yeah.”

Todd: “Before the comment was made about his condition, everyone was laughing. And that guy in the movie gets more action than you.”

Daniel: “Chicks all over him. Some of those chicks I would have done backwards.”

Todd: “No, he had to do them backwards.”

Daniel: “Oh, that’s right.”

Daniel: “In the movie, Jill (Hal’s neighbor) blows Hal off until she see him with Rosemary. Then she tries to hook up with him. Do you think it was because she didn’t get any or because she was jealous?”

Todd: “I think she was jealous. I don’t think it was desperation. Because if you look at her she’s not the type of girl who would be desperate.”

Daniel: “But would you wanna hook up with someone like that?”

Todd: “I think it’s a jealousy thing. I don’t think she understood (the love Hal had and why) until that dinner.”

Daniel: “And then she offered to go back to her place. Holy smokes.”

Daniel: “I thought the actors in the movie, they were beating their characters to death. It was too stereotypical.”

Todd: “They were trying way too hard.”

Daniel: “Their cheesiness, it was like a Fox News Channel special.”

Todd: “Awful.”

Daniel: “I know Gwyneth Paltrow is a better actor. I know Jack Black is half-way decent. I know George Constan … What is his (expletive) name … I mean Jason Alexander, I know he has one routine. But damn it, c’mon people.”

Todd: “The acting could have used some …”

Daniel: “Table salt.”

Todd: “Spice.”

Daniel: “Right.”

Todd: “A bit of variety.”

Daniel: “I’m thinking oregano.”

On Tony Robbins the motivational speak who makes a guest appearance and is the one who hypnotizes Hal into looking on the inner beauty of women …

Daniel: “I have a (expletive) beef with that man. That guy’s a (expletive). Him and his big old head and his big shoes …”

Todd: “And his banana hands, like Hal said in the movie.”

Daniel: “I didn’t understand that. But when he put Hal in that trance, I know that’s the main rising action start in the movie. But couldn’t they have picked Cleo?”

Todd: “I don’t know.”

Daniel: “He’s not motivational. But when Hal was under this trance. He giving her compliments. She couldn’t take the compliment. That’s so typical of women, especially at Bakersfield College. ”

Todd: “In all of Bakersfield. I try to compliment my co-workers …”

Daniel: “Hey, hey, that’s sexual harassment.”

Todd: “No it’s not. That’s been discussed at my place of employment.”

Daniel: “There was this girl and I told her she had the prettiest eyes I’d seen. No joke. I was really being genuine and she introduced herself. Since that she never talked to me again.”

Todd: “That sucks.”

Daniel: “Out of five stars, I give it a three.”

Todd: “Really? I would actually go with a four. I give it the extra star because I had a good date.”

Daniel: “Based on the movie, Todd.”

Todd: “OK. One star for comic relief, one star for its appeal to society.”

Daniel: “The fat people and the skinny people will probably like this. They’ll eat it up, literally.”

Todd: “Right, one more star for its attempt at romance.”

Daniel: “It was romantic, sort of. But I thought they sucked at trying so hard. But, then again, there’s only so much you can do with a girl that size.”

Todd: “That is true. But you can do plenty with panties that size. But one more star over effect.”

Daniel: “See I’m walking out of the theater and I’m thinking ‘Hey, I can base it on personality.’ It matters what’s on the inside.”

Todd: “I would recommend this movie to a variety of people. Because there’s so much you can learn from the writers. They are trying to convey that just because someone doesn’t look bomb doesn’t mean that can’t be a great person. In the end, that’s what it’s about. Two people who find each other on the basis of their personalities, and how they’re so great together.”

Daniel: “Amen.”

Todd: “It was worth my $5.75.”

Daniel: “I paid $5.50.”

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TWO GUYS … AT THE MOVIESOf men and movies