This year’s Kern County fair rides are a bit nostalgic of the rides last year … and the year before that … and the year before that. Even though the rides at the fair are the same every year it seems, they are still fun and at times nauseating. However, some rides are better than others.
I reviewed and rated some of the more popular rides this year at the fair. I rode them, would give a few comments on the ride itself, and then give it a rating in terms of Pepto Bismol bottles. A maximum of five bottles of Pepto Bismol is the limit for the potential sick factor of the ride.
The first ride was the Falling Star. The seating on this ride was like a small theater style with all the people facing the same way, forward. The large platform then begins to swing back and forth, gaining momentum. Then the ride swings all the way to the top of the circular path and continues to go in rapid circles. Your stomach leaves you on every drop at the peak of the circle. This ride shakes a lot at first but ended up to be one of the most fun rides at the fair. This ride was also equipped with the carny standard soundtrack, AC/DC. I give the Falling Star 2.5 bottles of Pepto Bismol.
The Sea Dragon ride is one that is familiar to all. This is the typical pirate ship that sways back and forth like a pendulum. Upon boarding the vessel, I, of course, picked one of the seats on the extreme end, so I could increase my chances of throwing up. The ride began like all the other pirate ship rides I have been on in the past, but then all hell broke loose. The operator was drunk or something, and he had the ship almost going past vertical at the top. I was literally putting force on the lap bar to keep me inside the ride. The Sea Dragon is a juiced up version of the Buccaneer at Magic Mountain set to a kick-ass Peter Frampton soundtrack. I give it 3.5 bottles of Pepto Bismol.
The Kamikaze is a Sea Dragon-like ride but with two smaller vessels that are enclosed. The two vessels start side-by-side, then swing back and forth opposite of each other. They eventually do full circles as you pass the opposite vessel. Set to the mega-hit “Who Let The Dogs Out,” The Kamikaze might let the dinner out with a rating of four bottles of Pepto Bismol.
A relatively new attraction this year was the Evolution ride that my photographer (and I know calling him that really pisses him off) Todd E. Swenson had the privilege of riding.
“It spins, goes upside down, it does pretty much everything. I’m going to give it 2.5 bottles of Pepto Bismol, and a cup-check,” Swenson said.
After consulting with Mr. Swenson, the cup-check was due to the force the seats on the ride put on your genitals. This ride involves a lot of hanging upside down with weight directly distributed to your crotch area. The soundtrack for this ride was provided by none other than Judas Priest, or as true fans call them, the Priest.
A very relaxing ride that I reviewed was the giant gondola-style Ferris wheel called Century Wheel. This Ferris wheel is safer than most due to the large carts that you sit in. You can easily fit two in each of the carts, so this ride is perfect for a mega makeout fest. I give it one bottle of Pepto Bismol.
The final ride I reviewed was Crazy Dance. This ride was a modified Scrambler with individual rotating seat modules. This ride, while it looks tame, was the longest, most puke-provoking ride of the day. It lasted way too long and spun way too fast. Crazy Dance? More like shit in my pants! A maximum five bottles of Pepto Bismol with music by Motley CrÅe.
The rides that were reviewed were all unique in their own ways. If you want to throw up, I recommend riding the Kamikaze followed by Crazy Dance. This lethal combination is worth nine out of a possible 10 bottles of Pepto Bismol.
I hope that this review has shed some light on what to expect when you decide to board these death traps.