10th most drunk city? I’ll have what he’s having

Robert Mullen, Reporter

As I climbed out of the wreckage of my recently acquired and totaled vehicle and staggered back toward the bar I’d just left, I couldn’t help but think of an article I’d read on Men’s Health a while back.

To my shock and surprise, Bakersfield is the 10th most drunken city in America and our dear friends in Fresno were the first.

“It can’t be!” I declared as I ordered another round (and then a second and third just to be sure). Especially considering that Boston was ranked as the soberest city in America.

Now, I don’t know about you, but proudly being half-Irish where all things liquor are involved, I can’t for a minute believe that a city full of O’s and Mc’s, a city that dyes its rivers green on St. Patrick’s Day, can beat out Bakersfield on sobriety. It’s simply unbelievable, and no amount of malt liquor or whiskey will make it so.

Now I would gladly take to the rooftops naked, wearing nothing but a top hat and a scarf, drunkenly and joyously celebrating, if Bakersfield truly earned that No. 10 spot, but I just don’t think it’s true.

As my granpappy used to say between swigs of the ol’ shine, “Being called the 10th drunkest city in America brings no joy if it aint fairly won!” Now I’m probably paraphrasing a bit here, but that doesn’t make it untrue.

Now, of course, this is just my opinion. I’m missing a lot of statistics here of course, unlike Men’s Health, which uses most liver disease, most binge drinking, most DUI related deaths, DUI related arrests, and least stringent DUI laws.

Of course, as a drunkard, I could never figure out that binge drinking is entirely subjective to the binge drinker, or that liver disease affects a disproportionate amount of Hispanics based on genetics.

Of course, the fact that most of the cities up on the list have little public transportations, and cities like New York and Boston are noted for this feature might sway the DUI statistics, as would the fact that California has one of the harshest DUI laws in the country.

It’s also surprising that Forbes even said Boston was one of the five most drunken cities four years ago. But what would Forbes know? Probably just as much as Men’s Health, which means I’d call it a wash between the two.

Still, we should take pride in the fact that at least people are looking at Bakersfield now. No such thing as bad publicity right? Right.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a bottle calling my name.