Chiefed  |  The Rip’s Editor in Chief tells you what’s what in sports.

 With football starting tonight, I am so sick of all the talking heads telling me who is going to win the Super Bowl. So I’m here to do things a little different and predict the other side of the season and fill you in on who is going to have the worst record in the league and will pick first in next April’s draft.

In football, there are three basic categories that the team must flat out suck at to be considered for the position of Draft Queen. Those categories go as such: quarterback situation, pass rush, and coaching staff.

There are five teams most likely to end up with the prized position among bottom feeders, so let’s take a look at them and how badly they fair going into a fresh new year.

Cincinnati Bengals

The Bengals have nothing going for them at this point, having lost their starting quarterback to retirement. The team will start former-TCU quarterback Andy Dalton this season, and he comes from a pass happy offense that bloated stats.

The team’s defense, the same defense that was in the top five just two years ago, is in utter disarray now. Last year, they failed to put any sort of pressure on opposing quarterbacks and they did nothing to help the area of the defense.

The team’s coaching staff is, unfortunately, the same, and it shocks me that Marvin Lewis still has a job (trifecta!).

Denver Broncos 

The Doncos only fit in one of the categories; their quarterback situation is terrible.

So, they have two quarterbacks vying for the starting job and both quarterbacks have players and fans that have a certain amount of allegiance with them. This could be the leading factor if the Broncos do indeed finish with the worst record in the league.

The pass rush in Denver has a chance to be one of the best with Elvis Dumervil coming back fully healthy. The coaching staff is led by John Fox who I think is one of the best in the game.

San Francisco 49ers

Any team that has Alex Smith under center is likely going to end the season in the bottom of the outhouse.

It amazes me how Smith is still taking snaps in the NFL considering he has been the face of a franchise during its darkest days.

I wouldn’t be surprised if it came out that new coach Jim Harbaugh wanted to throw the season just to pick up his old quarterback from his days at Stanford, Andrew Luck.

Even if he does, it will be hard for them to be as uncompetitive as the Bengals.

Carolina Panthers

The Panthers have Cam Newton, sure, but every other piece of the puzzle is missing.

Ron Rivera has done nothing in this league to show that he can be a successful head coach, and the defense got no significant additions over the offseason.

If you ask me, the Panthers are more likely to be battling for the number two overall pick in April’s draft than any.

Oakland Raiders

Oh, the Raiders, how I root for you year after year, and you always disappoint me.

The Raiders were seemingly a team on the up last season, but lost both their pro bowlers during the free agent frenzy.  Now they have nothing but a new head coach, a strong defensive line, and Jason Campbell. Oh, and did I mention that Al Davis is still alive?

Prediction

Who Dey? The Bengals, that’s who. Sorry Cincy fans, the Bengals will have the top pick, and you will all have to deal with Carson Palmer on ESPN saying, “If they would have just traded me, maybe the would have had the couple of pieces they needed to be the second-worst team in the league.”

And the Patriots will beat the Cardinals in Super Bowl XLVI.