Every year without fail, I have had to learn to avoid the candy aisle during Easter or risk certain doom.
I detest Peeps. They’re unnatural in every way, shape and form. Peeps come in the form of marshmallow chicks and bunnies in technicolor. The one holiday I have to endure their presence is one holiday too many.
But, alas, Peeps, much like Starbucks, appear to be taking over the universe, and it’s happening one stomach at a time. I can’t understand what the appeal is. They don’t taste good, and they have no nutritional value.
Just by looking into their chocolate dot eyes, a person can see that there is evil there that does not sleep.
Apparently no one has caught this because, much to my chagrin, Peeps have taken over Halloween. The Peeps imperialism doesn’t stop there, and various other holidays have succumbed to the Peeps, and so it now appears to be a year-round curse.
Peeps are also capitalists because I now see Peeps accessories. There are Peeps-shaped backpacks to hold actual Peeps. There are Peeps plushies that children will pine for, because what better way to enhance the idea of obesity in America than to market a toy modeled after junk food?
When it comes down to it, these Peeps are just sugar-coated junk molded to look like creepy animals. The only good thing to do with Peeps is to pop them into a microwave and watch them explode.