As I took the first sip of a fruit punch flavored Four Loko, I was optimistic of its taste due to the miracle of modern artificial flavoring, but was saddened to discover that it tasted like a mix between rancid Robitussin and the constituency of battery acid.
I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to actually finish one of these pint-cans, let alone the other one I had set aside for myself, but none-the-less I persevered in the Four Loko Challenge, despite its toxic effects.
On my attempt of a second swig of toxic fluid, my face premeditated a flinching brace as I lifted the can to my lips. When I finally managed to force the volatile substance down the esophagus to the stomach, it caused my lungs to expel all air out in painful grunts and groans.
It was as if I was drinking some radiation poisoned jet fuel and I was bound to mutate into some vicious creature.
With an alcohol volume of 12.0%, with natural and artificial flavors, guarana, taurine and caffeine, a Four Loko Malt Beverage drinks like a vat of liquid nitrogen and hits the inexperienced drinker like a ton of bricks if he’s not careful.
I continued to battle against the horrid nuclear taste of these awful things, committing myself to one and two minute challenges in which I was burdened to drink as much down as I could, pausing briefly only to recompose myself.
These contest of endurance actually helped as they intoxicated me enough to make this awful crap bearable-that or they burned and melted my taste buds enough to where I was unable to taste anything fully.
At the end of the first Four Loko I found myself wobbling and twirling in a buzzed bliss.
All was OK and I popped the second can open, but as far as reporting on the taste I find that my journalistic integrity, and my ability to analyze objectively had been compromised.
When I popped the tab of Cranberry Lemonade Four Loko, it seemed much more pleasing to the taste buds than the fruit punch flavor. It was by far easier to drink, but whether this was due to the flavor mix or my inebriation, I am unsure.
Sometime during the night I finished the last of that awful stuff and woke up the following morning safe in my bed with an odd hangover. I didn’t have a raging headache but felt slothful and a little poisoned by the stuff.
Overall, I was impressed with the potency and crippling effects that only two of those awful things had inflicted over me but was in no hurry to do it again anytime soon.
As far as advocating the consumption of these things, I wouldn’t recommend them to anyone.
If you’re looking for a quick and cheap oblivion, then I would say a pint of Potter’s Vodka and a bottle of orange juice is a better tasting, equally as powerful alternative for around the same price.
But if you’re looking for something that you can brown bag and don’t have to mix, then the doom juice that is a Four Loko Malt Beverage, is the drink for you.