FIRST PERSONLife’s not ‘fair’
Daniel F. Hunt
September 28, 2001
Filed under Fun at the Fair
If you’re like me, you hate the fair.
I mean, the fair is cool, when you’re 7. But at the wise, old age of 19, I’ve decided that the fair isn’t for me.
Why, you ask?
Besides bringing the same old fair back to Kern County year after year, the “Great” – and I’d like to see that stricken from the title – Kern County Fair is the bastion of the lowest form of human life.
Carnies bring the fair into town, and have you ever noticed that crime seems to go up along with the carnival rides?
People from around this vastly intellectual community join together and don their Wranglers and cowboy hats to frequent the food lines and free concerts.
All the shady people, and I don’t need to explain anymore than that, come out of the woodwork and lurk around the grounds.
All the food that makes you sick. All the money you lose trying to win that small stuffed animal. The part I hate is the vomit-smelling seats on the Galaxy Whirl-Win. It sucks.
The last time I went to the fair in 1996, I was crowded, spit on and threatened. Sure, I tripped a little kid but he stuck his tongue at me.
Well, with all that said, as a free public service on behalf of me, I’d like to share some things I did during the Un-”Great Kern County Fair”:
- Go to the movies: Yes, during the fair, there are fewer people. You can take as many seats as you want.
- Study: I know this is hard even when the fair is not around but think about it, while everyone else is sloshed, you can retain that “A,” or in some cases, “C.”
- Camelot Park: Yes, while all the freaks are at the fair, you have the park to yourself.
- Watch TV: Believe it or not, for some reason, when the fair comes to town, the season premieres are airing.
- Catch up with family, friends: The best part about this is that while you try to patch up your friendship with Grandpa since you broke his hip, chances are he’s at the fair, but hey, at least you tried.
- Write your congressperson: I bet there’s something he or she has done to piss you off.
- Save money for that new PlayStation game: Don’t sit there and tell me you don’t have one. Yes … you.
- Burn old girlfriends’ stuff: Yes ladies, you can set ablaze your man’s stuff too. Chances are they are at the fair, they deserve it.
- Clean your room: That may take as much time as the fair is in town – perfect.
Surely there are more things to do besides this. I’m just getting the ball rolling.
Through this year’s fair, I found my class ring, patched up an old friendship and polished my awards. I know a lot of people who like the fair, but there are just as many people who would love to get rid of it altogether.
Maybe a new fair should be started, an alternative to the “Great” fair. I’m not sure what it would be called or where it would be staged but I promise you this … I’d go.