Every year people waste so much time stressing about getting someone a gift that has meaning only to wind up buying some generic box of candy topped off with a lame Hallmark card. Instead of wasting so much effort only to fail, I suggest a different approach to gifts this year: practical gifts.
Why waste money on a ceramic sculpture someone will be ashamed to show when you can give them something they can actually use like a 24-pack of toilet paper.
As gross as this sounds, it actually makes sense. Practical gifts will actually be used and not thrown into some dark corner never to see the light of day again.
If toilet paper is too intimate then why not give something else that someone will be guaranteed to use over the next month or so like mayonnaise?
Why stop at items that will only last someone throughout the month? Branch out into economy-sized items. An economy-sized container of shampoo could last someone months and possibly years in the event of a zombie invasion. When there are zombies on the prowl, people can’t be wasting their time trying to find a way to get rid of a dandruff problem.
Waking up Christmas morning and unwrapping a 12-pack of Irish Spring may not sound romantic, and may even result in a good slap, but there are ways to convince people that practical gifts are kind of thoughtful, too. Just tell the receiver of the gift that you’ve spent many a sleepless night worrying yourself over the state of the economy and how it will affect everyone.
The fact that you’ve actually sacrificed precious hours of sleep over the person will flatter/guilt them into pretending to like the gift.
Not only will practical gifts save friends and family money, but, if done properly, it can save you money, too. While family members are rifling through the Sunday papers and grabbing everything in sight that advertises clothes or electronics, you can sit back and peruse the specials on paper plates.
On the weekends when people are pillaging stores in search of the “it” toy, you will be calmly strolling along the toothpaste aisles. Dental hygiene should be everyone’s concern, and when your friends are the only people in the nursing home without dentures, they’ll be thanking you.
Initially, people may feel cheated. You might hear terms like “cheap” or “ungrateful.” Keep in mind that the holidays are not all about giving the best gifts. Sure, your name will be mud for a while, but every time that lucky person reaches for that massive bag of pretzels they’ll be thinking of you and the fact that they’ll be eating pretzels for the next ten years. That’s truly a gift that keeps on giving.